Preface: The following is a purely satirical work based on C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters. For those unfamiliar, a senior devil, Screwtape, is writing to his nephew, Wormwood. I wrote “A Screwtape Halloween” as more of a social commentary and less of a theological work. As Lewis reminds his readers, “[You] are advised to remember that the devil is a liar. Not everything that Screwtape says should be assumed to be true even from his own angle.”

My Dear Wormwood,

I have reviewed your latest report and must commend you on the general state of the annual festival which the humans, in their delightful ignorance, still refer to by its ancient title. Everywhere His faithful warriors look, they see vain images of us, ghouls, skeleton, and the like. But do not revel only in the grotesque; the true genius is in placing these images in every nonsensical scenario, so that formal heresy might be normalized as mere frivolity. I do, however, have some wisdom to impart on you.

It is of great importance to me that you fully understand the fabulous perversion of which you have been entrusted to oversee. Halloween, as it has been affectionately named (you have to admire the creativity of those two-legged animals), is not just the perversion of All Hallow’s Eve, but rather our entire war with Him. The Enemy’s influence over His people dwindles with each successful patient you convince of our non-existence.

Foremost, keep the patient hazy, make him look at his fellow patients participating in our wonderful perversion of All Hallow’s Eve. Do not allow him to look upon them with logic or reason. Instead, allow him to believe that the actions of these “Christians” are somehow endorsed by the Church. You must convince him that Halloween is somehow natural and normal.

Do remember what the Enemy calls “Licentiousness” is a great tool of ours. You are to wield it with authority. Think of it as a temporary direct line between a patient and his tempters. Your mission is to form a vice grip on him to extend this connection indefinitely, keeping him away from the Enemy. Our goal is not to shove him into the infernal depths immediately, but to keep him on the fence. For if you can immobilize him on the fence, you have secured his soul. For most, drunkenness is the perfect vehicle (and is one of our greatest allies). An intoxicated patient is always easier to conquer and devour than a sober one. For the more prudent patient who refuses drink to maintain his faculties, you must redouble your efforts on his severe ostracization.

I note with grave displeasure that you have failed to recognize your ingenious play on their carnal beings. You must recognize that whatever their bodies do affects their souls. Even the holiest angelic costumes can be made to appear scandalous, successfully eroding the very concept of modesty from within. Furthermore, this perverts the human image of Heaven, and has His creation doing the perverting. Is there truly a better way to attack the Enemy than to convince His creations to turn on their own creator?

Halloween, and the “dressing up” associated with it, enables us to attack the carnal object with greater intensity. The patient, undenounced to him, allows his body, passions, and imagination to be placed in a state of continual change, allowing us and our brother tempters unrestricted access to the patient’s soul. To the youth, our objective must always be to inhibit the formation of virtues. We must place vice where the Enemy would seek to place virtue.

While a culture war is certainly entertaining, our job is to intensify the passion and intolerance with both the extreme patriot and the ardent pacifist. I would especially focus on His faithful who persist in piety, echoing cries of “Veritas et Traditio”, “Vivat Jesus”, and “Deus Vult”. Do not engage them directly on the battlefield of Tradition. Instead, make them seem rigid, humorless, and extremist to their fellow humans. If you can turn the Enemy’s faithful soldiers into objects of ridicule or suspicion within their own camp, you will have drained their influence and isolated your patient from them. This disordered passion is the true fruit we harvest from their conflicts.

Continue the good work, Wormwood. As I constantly remind you, our goal isn’t just sin; we want the most efficient, soul-corrupting sin that leads to eternal ruin. Remember, we do not need to make them worship us; we need only to make them forget to worship Him.

Your affectionate uncle,

Screwtape

Ending Note / P.S.: If you take away anything from my writing, I want it to be this; The devil is very real, and he very desperately wants your soul. Fortunately for us, we have the greatest weapon on our side in Christ Jesus. Through constant prayer and reception of the sacraments and sacramentals, we may thwart his evil schemes. Always remember that this spiritual blowfish was defeated by Christ on the cross. And yes, Latin does in fact send demons cowering away in fear. “It is enough to open a newspaper, and we see that around us there is the presence of evil, the Devil is at work. But I would like to say in a loud voice ‘God is stronger.’ ” – Pope Francis