Yes, the American Dream, worker, and economy, are suffering, but illegal immigrants are

scapegoats. Ronald Reagan, pioneer of making American college expensive (yay!), set up the

modern era’s framework for deregulation and (tax) policies favoring the wealthy and

corporations over regular people and we are feeling the effects. Keep it a stack, we have more in

common with illegal immigrants than Elon Musk types. Undocumented immigrants have no

political power, the average American doesn’t have much political capital, and the second we act

like we understand who’s stripping us of our right to shape our destinies we’ll start getting

somewhere as a country. At this rate we’ll never retire. We’ll die sick. We’ll die working off

debts while wealthy oligarchs lobby elected officials and bribe them with enough money to

mortgage mansions.

Yes, illegal immigration has been a problem, but let’s be real: the solution is the very unsexy

reallocation of funds toward the proper channels, not the military! Nevermind, we don’t want the

2024 Border Bill… oki!

Stay with me now, my dear Anselmians, as I take us to a possible future. Of course, this is

cautionary satire, but it may become our reality in these UnPrEcEdEnTeD TiMeS!

Well, we’ve finally been forced to agree the immigration crisis is our country’s biggest problem.

We must expel the foreigners swarming our once pure America to preserve the security of our

cities and economy.

Let’s first put the crisis into perspective: +11 million suspected aliens live among us, which is

more than the population of my home state New Jersey! You may say nobody cares about that

armpit, so I raise your New England jewel Boston, nearly 17 times smaller than the number of

illegals poisoning the blood of our country. 11,000,000 is a massive part of the labour force to

delete without a plan to keep life as usual going, assuming even half are employed steadily. So, I

thought how could we work with these issues?

We will round up all those shiftless, homeless, and loitering illegals lining our streets stalking

school zones to steal children’s lunch money when they aren’t siphoning resources from

hardworking citizens. Good, God-fearing, America-loving people of our Christian nation will

rejoice in the streets as paddy wagonloads of illegals get purged. It’s purely coincidental most of

those illegals are colored, so don’t wince at the increasingly spirited and colorful language.

Life will surely improve soon… besides they aren’t coming for you.

Thank The Good Lord the government finally did something right in 2025 & made it easier to

pluck out the ‘nonviolent’ illegals. I hope they let ICE really do their jobs and rip them out of

schools and churches whenever they come out of their hidey-holes! They don’t deserve our God,

or whatever theirs is. Who would want to pray under the same roof as one of those illegals,

anyway? We have more than 1 million ‘children’ and ‘teens’ to drag from classrooms for sinning

against us: coveting an American education and wasting our tax dollars on ESL. It’s not like

their only hope to survive long-term is to get good grades and being bilingual is useful. If God

wanted them to speak English, He would’ve made sure they were born in the right place.

Once the illegals are detained somewhere strangely resembling a carceral facility, they’ll need to

choose: get to work or get gone. Graciously, the 13th Amendment allows for slavery as

punishment (a loophole that has never ever been exploited), but immigration offences are settled

in civil – not criminal proceedings. However, they can be put to work in VWPs, voluntary work

programs, if detained and we’ll still need the labor. See the vision? If illegals want to stay – just

give the choice: pick our crops or bunny hop and if they don’t hit the ground they won’t stay

around. Win-win: less illegals, more money!

Illegals, like criminals, aren’t the same as us, really. We take their right to vote for a reason and

let the ‘thugs’ we lock up in the South pick cotton, but they might get a shekel a day in the right

state because we are so generous. Really, they should drop to their knees in gratitude they have

the right to work!

+80% of immigrant detention centres are operated by private entities contracted with ICE and

hold detainees in solitary confinement for up to 23 hours a day if deemed necessary. If we retain

detainees who bend the knee and toil away in voluntary work programs for nickels and dimes per

hour and when they’re no longer productive we’ll just deport them. This will surely lower the

cost of eggs!

President Trump has been a shrewd businessman for decades and surrounds himself with only

the finest ghouls, some so blood-curdling Luigi Mangione would get alcohol poisoning if you

made a drinking game when you take a shot every time you see a millionaire-profiteer at

Mar-A-Lago. Considering Donny’s disdain for immigrants, his willingness to enrich allies, and

increasingly unhinged decisions would President Trump say no to such a steal?

If this does come to pass, I am compelled to ask: whose existence should be criminalised, whose

bloodied tears shall we bay for next, whose dreams are shatter-blessed? When there’s no more

undocumented immigrants to demonise, who will our Enemy Within be? There’s a Red Sun

Rising, are the Chinese sending sleeper agents trained on AI brain chips to kill us with kung fu?

It is easy to dehumanise threats. Minorities like me are always on your chopping block… be

careful you don’t cut your own finger trying to play butcher.