President late to meeting after unable to find parking spot

Edward Frankonis, Crier Staff

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Disclaimer: This article is a piece of satire. The Saint Anselm Crier Staff decided to add some post-April Fools Day stories. We hope these stories make you smile but don’t take them as fact.

“It was easily one of the more frustrating moments I’ve ever experienced in my career,” the President of the College confessed to Crier staff last Monday, as he recounted his perspective of the ordeal. According to the President’s own testimony, which has since been corroborated by several Campus Safety officers and a single student, his tardiness for an important Board of Trustees meeting was because he had spent half an hour just seeking a “palatable” parking space.

“We even saw him loitering for ten minutes in the C-shop Parking lot, just waiting for a spot to open up,” said one Campus Safety officer to Crier reporters, “he thankfully gave up before he had to ticket him.”

“I must have driven around the campus loop no more than seven times,” said the President, while dabbing his forehead from exhaustion, “I cannot be at a greater loss for words about how frustrated I became.”

Multiple eyewitnesses confirmed that the President’s car was sighted no less than seven times near the Sullivan and Benedict Courts parking lot. One student testified that “I actually thought I saw some car [a description of which matched the President’s] try to park in between the dumpsters near Dominic Hall.” Said testimony could not be independently corroborated by Crier staff.

Despite the visitation of every possible parking space on campus within a twenty-minute time frame, the President is reported to have found nowhere to park. A patrolling Campus Safety officer told Crier members that, inexplicably, even the parking spaces near the security building were completely filled. “We started to look for a place for him to park, and lo and behold, from Saint Mary’s to Sullivan, there wasn’t an open spot in sight,” said another Safety officer, “we became concerned that the President might not be able to carry out his duties for the day.”

At the close of press time, the President expressed his gratitude to whoever had placed a printed placard near a spot next to Alumni Hall to reserve him a spot. “I am indebted to the individual who did this, and it serves as a great reminder of how tight the community here is-after all,” the President quipped, “if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that sign was there the whole time.”

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