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Study shows lines at Davison are longest at meal times

The+source+of+the+lunch+crowd+is+still+undetermined%2C+but+experts+say+the+source+may+be+%22hunger.%22
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Study shows lines at Davison are longest at meal times

The source of the lunch crowd is still undetermined, but experts say the source may be

The source of the lunch crowd is still undetermined, but experts say the source may be "hunger."

David Micali/Crier

The source of the lunch crowd is still undetermined, but experts say the source may be "hunger."

David Micali/Crier

David Micali/Crier

The source of the lunch crowd is still undetermined, but experts say the source may be "hunger."

David Micali, Crier Staff

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Disclaimer: This article is a piece of satire. The Saint Anselm Crier Staff decided to add some post-April Fools Day stories. We hope these stories make you smile but don’t take them as fact.

A new study conducted by the Dean of Students suggests that the lines at Davison Hall tend to be longest around meal time.

The study, which was conducted over the course of three months, determined that the number of students in Davison increased “by a significant number” around breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Data was collected by counting the number of card swipes per hour while cross-checking that information with security camera footage. The results of the study run in the face of a similar study conducted at Southern New Hampshire University last November. In the SNHU study, researchers discovered that the number of students in their main dining hall (which does not have a name) was busiest during what one researcher described as “the prime snacking hour,” referring to around 3pm where it is “too early to get dinner but too late to get lunch.” When asked what could have caused such a discrepancy in findings, Professor Erik Cleven of the Politics Department and a teacher of Research Methods attributed the differences in findings to “the troubles that arise in the field of statistical analysis” and “something to do with the numbers.”

Though the findings of the study explain when Davison is busiest, it does not explain why Davison becomes “significantly more crowded” around breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Several members of the faculty and student body have offered suggestions as to why the dining hall becomes busy around meals.

Professor Thomas Larson of the Philosophy Department suggested that the large crowds around meal times can be explained by the fact that most Saint Anselm students are followers of the teachings of the ancient Greek thinker Epicurus.

“You see, Epicurus believed that there were natural and artificial desires,” explained Professor Larson, “and for a follower of Epicurus, when one is hungry, they get food.”

Several members of the Philosophy Department have disagreed with Professor Larson’s explanation. One professor, who wished to be left anonymous, said that the idea that so many students at Saint Anselm follow the teachings of Epicurus is “absurd” because, according to the anonymous professor, “a true Epicurean is far more self-disciplined than your average Saint Anselm student.”

Other members of Saint Anselm College including several vocal members of the student body have suggested that the college’s acceptance of new students each year is to blame for the long lines.

 “If the college didn’t accept any new students,” Hannah Beaudry, class of 2021, argued, “then there wouldn’t be anyone [at Davison Hall] to get food.”

Another significant finding of the Dean’s study was that there is more housing than there are students. As one of his last acts as president of the college, Dr. Steven DiSalvo vowed to “close the gap between students and residence halls” by demolishing the Living Learning Commons Building by the 1st of June. The move was unanimously passed by the Board of Trustees and demolition is set to begin by May 13, the first Monday after final exams.   

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Study shows lines at Davison are longest at meal times